When I said that I was going to blog about "Parenting: the good, the bad, and the ugly", well, this is an ugly day. It has nothing to do with missing socks, dirty rooms, or even temper tantrums (well, just mine maybe). But this has everything to do with the fact that I, as a person, fail. And today, I failed. I failed over and over and over again. And do you want to know the worst part? It's not that I let my humanness replace my mommyness. It's that I recognized my failures and got angry at myself instead of fixing them. I sulked, cried, and was belligerent. My entire family watched me be grumpy, irritable, non-responsive, and purely unaffectionate. I am a horrible human being, a terrible mother, and a worthless woman. How's that for brutal honesty, eh?
Maybe this truly IS a bipolar moment, but there are times when one of the kids raises their arms for me to pick them up, or they hang all over me and I simply want to push them away and say, "Get out of my space! For 5 minutes, let me breathe! You're suffocating me!! Can't you see that I'm impatient and crabby? Stop pawing at me!!!" (No, I won't be winning any mother-of-the-year awards, of this much I'm positive.) And there are also days when I come home and I want to park my car down the street for 10-20 minutes instead of pulling into the driveway (and if I'm being truly honest, I have). I just want to sit there, in peace, and not be touched, talked to, asked a trillion questions, or have to immediately start in on a chore after 8 hours of work. And then there are the worst kind of days....those are the ones that no matter what the kids do or say, it will simply irk me. No one wins on those days, not even me. Those are the days that I retreat to my room to get in a good cry and prayer so that I can try to make it through the day without losing my mind. And even then, there are no guarantees.
So, I'm literally repulsed by my own intolerance and I disgust myself on every level. (Self-loathing.... ahh, good for the soul.) I sometimes wonder if this is because they are not my own children. But my biggest fear is that I'm simply a bad mother. What if I'm not cut out to do this for a lifetime? What if I feel like this much of a failure again tomorrow? (And what if I feel it again the day after that....) I know, I know... every mom experiences at least a portion of this from time to time. But at the end of the day, you good Mommies look at your sleeping child and think, "Wow, I am so blessed." If I'm being truly transparent, I can honestly say that sometimes I look in on them after they've drifted off and I think, "Wow.... I still feel so indifferent."
Do I love my kids? Yes, I do. But there are days when I am going through the motions of what a mother is "supposed to do" and yet I still feel as disconnected from them as the moment they walked into our home. We are 7 days away from adopting Taylor. SEVEN. And this child still feels like someone else's.... and I still live in the shadow of "the other woman" (or two, as the case may be). Adoption is like signing a life-time contract to babysit another mother's child twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, on weekends, holidays, and an extra day every 4 years in February. I'm with her everyday.... but she still belongs to someone else. Am I fooling myself to think that a piece of legal parchment paper is going to change that? A name-change isn't going to magically bind us together anymore than a net can bind water.
Even as I sit here, pouring out the raw, disgusting comments that are weighing on my heart this evening, I know that tomorrow morning, in the light of a new day, I will feel a sense of regret for letting the world see the Mommy-Monster that's inside of me. Maybe it's my bronchitis medicine, maybe it's PMS, or maybe it's just me sucking at life. Whatever the case may be, it's real. I feel the need to re-state that I do love these children (is this for my benefit or for yours....?), and I am excited to make us an "official family" next Tuesday. But I'll be honest, I need the support of my other Mommies out there. I gotta know if I'm truly messed up or if anyone has felt like this before. Are there any adoptive or foster Mommies out there that are struggling with attachment issues as well? If I'm way off-base, selfish, and utterly rotten, please feel free to tell me I'm just a bad person. I won't hold it against you (although don't expect a Christmas card.... and you thought that being grumpy meant I didn't have my sense of humor, didn't you?). Remember that I'm new at this Mommyhood thing and that I need your help and support, even if it's tough to hear. I love you all, so much, and I love your vested interest in me and my family. So, with all that said, let me hear your voices, Mommies!
Maybe this truly IS a bipolar moment, but there are times when one of the kids raises their arms for me to pick them up, or they hang all over me and I simply want to push them away and say, "Get out of my space! For 5 minutes, let me breathe! You're suffocating me!! Can't you see that I'm impatient and crabby? Stop pawing at me!!!" (No, I won't be winning any mother-of-the-year awards, of this much I'm positive.) And there are also days when I come home and I want to park my car down the street for 10-20 minutes instead of pulling into the driveway (and if I'm being truly honest, I have). I just want to sit there, in peace, and not be touched, talked to, asked a trillion questions, or have to immediately start in on a chore after 8 hours of work. And then there are the worst kind of days....those are the ones that no matter what the kids do or say, it will simply irk me. No one wins on those days, not even me. Those are the days that I retreat to my room to get in a good cry and prayer so that I can try to make it through the day without losing my mind. And even then, there are no guarantees.
So, I'm literally repulsed by my own intolerance and I disgust myself on every level. (Self-loathing.... ahh, good for the soul.) I sometimes wonder if this is because they are not my own children. But my biggest fear is that I'm simply a bad mother. What if I'm not cut out to do this for a lifetime? What if I feel like this much of a failure again tomorrow? (And what if I feel it again the day after that....) I know, I know... every mom experiences at least a portion of this from time to time. But at the end of the day, you good Mommies look at your sleeping child and think, "Wow, I am so blessed." If I'm being truly transparent, I can honestly say that sometimes I look in on them after they've drifted off and I think, "Wow.... I still feel so indifferent."
Do I love my kids? Yes, I do. But there are days when I am going through the motions of what a mother is "supposed to do" and yet I still feel as disconnected from them as the moment they walked into our home. We are 7 days away from adopting Taylor. SEVEN. And this child still feels like someone else's.... and I still live in the shadow of "the other woman" (or two, as the case may be). Adoption is like signing a life-time contract to babysit another mother's child twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, on weekends, holidays, and an extra day every 4 years in February. I'm with her everyday.... but she still belongs to someone else. Am I fooling myself to think that a piece of legal parchment paper is going to change that? A name-change isn't going to magically bind us together anymore than a net can bind water.
Even as I sit here, pouring out the raw, disgusting comments that are weighing on my heart this evening, I know that tomorrow morning, in the light of a new day, I will feel a sense of regret for letting the world see the Mommy-Monster that's inside of me. Maybe it's my bronchitis medicine, maybe it's PMS, or maybe it's just me sucking at life. Whatever the case may be, it's real. I feel the need to re-state that I do love these children (is this for my benefit or for yours....?), and I am excited to make us an "official family" next Tuesday. But I'll be honest, I need the support of my other Mommies out there. I gotta know if I'm truly messed up or if anyone has felt like this before. Are there any adoptive or foster Mommies out there that are struggling with attachment issues as well? If I'm way off-base, selfish, and utterly rotten, please feel free to tell me I'm just a bad person. I won't hold it against you (although don't expect a Christmas card.... and you thought that being grumpy meant I didn't have my sense of humor, didn't you?). Remember that I'm new at this Mommyhood thing and that I need your help and support, even if it's tough to hear. I love you all, so much, and I love your vested interest in me and my family. So, with all that said, let me hear your voices, Mommies!
Im sure it is tough with adoption , so many emotions. When you give birth you have a natural bond. And you have a double wammy to get use to. But I have faith in you. Everyone has bumps to get over, Im sure its tough on them also. you are all in my prayers. love ya.
ReplyDeleteShivonne, I think you are doing an amazing thing by giving these kids a new family and a new life! And what you are feeling.....is sometimes true.....it is sometimes true of all moms, birth mothers and adopted mothers. I love how you say it out loud its perfect (PS...you are horrible, PPS we are all horrible! ) I hide in the bathroom from Bella or will (on days when Jay picks her up from daycare) take the long way around the street and stop around back for a much needed sanity break before I enter my house of chaos! I truly believe every mother goes through this because being a parent is a hard job and its not the only job we have! So pick your chin up...you are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteThanks, ladies. I'm sending you both internet hugs right now :-)
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